My right eye is going bad. I guess that happens when you get older.
I am sitting in Starbucks and there is a man who might be a woman sitting in front of me. He has a woman’s haircut, a woman’s earrings, and a man’s face. He is talking to a woman with a man’s voice.
Now he is leaning towards the woman a bit too aggressively if you ask me. Perhaps he, or she is the kind of person who invades personal space with no regard for the anxiety associated with personal space invasion. They might be lovers, I don’t know.
I am half-cocked off a large, black cold-brew coffee. I recently switched from ice coffee to cold brew because a redheaded gal at a Starbucks in Wilmington, North Carolina told me cold brew is stronger. She might have lied. It costs more.
It’s finally cold outside and I love it. Sleep is always better when it is cold and the AC in the new condo I’m renting won’t push below 67 degrees. I hesitate to tell the woman who owns it to have it serviced because I am also a landlord and despise it when tenants call me, for anything. I have only lived in this condo for a month and am now searching Zillow for small farms. I think I want to move to a small farm where I can buy a cow, a horse, and a dog. I don’t want to ride the horse, just have it as a friend. Horses are intimidatingly wise, and I figure a horse can help me practice love better than a hog or house cat.
The cow I want will be a long-haired cow. She will play with a huge ball in the pasture. The dog, well I am still thinking. My gut tells me a Great Dane even though the Cane Corso is my favorite kind of dog. I will tell you this, it ain’t going to be a Corgi. Weirdos.
Something I wrote in my journal this week:
I am not who I want to be and it just feels like nothing is working
Do you ever feel like that or am I broken?
I beat myself up a lot. Like right now as I write this. I am thinking, don’t write that shit Trey because somebody you know is going to ask you about it in real life then you will have to talk about it and then they will try to save you which will trigger you and you will get pissed and riddled with anxiety.
Whatever. I like writing.
Sometimes I think I wish I was (fill in the blank). Then I realize I am not (fill in the blank) and I get upset I am not (fill in the blank). So, I read books, watch videos, and then write I need to get a therapist in my journal even though I don’t think therapists work.
So, I drink a large cold brew ice coffee and wait for the dopamine to hit. I think cold brew is stronger.
Happy Sunday
Trey
PS I just started a brand new addition to my Substack publication: the Run Red Lights subscriber chat.
This is a conversation space in the Substack app that I set up exclusively for my subscribers — kind of like a group chat or live hangout. I’ll post short prompts, thoughts, and updates that come my way, and you can jump into the discussion.
To join my chat, you’ll need to download the Substack app (messages are sent via the app, not email). Turn on push notifications so you don’t miss a chance to join the conversation as it happens.
How to get started
Download the app by clicking this link or the button below. Chat is only on iOS for now, but chat is coming to the Android app soon.
Open the app and tap the Chat icon. It looks like two bubbles in the bottom bar, and you’ll see a row for my chat inside.
That’s it! Jump into my thread to say hi, and if you have any issues, check out Substack’s FAQ.