I am in a hipster coffee shop in Atlanta and the girl across from me has more hair under her arms than I do.
A new month starts Tuesday. I have three new goals which will impress you. You should always have three new goals each month. Keep reading and I will tell you what they are because I know how important it is for you to know my three goals.
I took Mom to Red Lobster for dinner last night. Why? Because Red Lobster is amazing. She loves it. I love it. The biscuits are made of meth and butter. The shrimp were a bit soggy and the carpet smelled like wet ferrets but nonetheless, we love it. Eat more ocean animals and crack biscuits.
I am a chain restaurant guy even though I own a boujee restaurant that sells expensive drinks and kick-ass tacos. We have a speakeasy around back and the drinks are more pricey but some of them smoke when served. Girls love fancy drinks they can put on Instagram. We love girls.
Anyway, I bet Mom and I have been to Longhorns and Red Lobster over 25,000 times. One summer when I was in high school, Mom got tired of cooking so we ate at Applebee’s every night. They had a summer special so it was cheap. It was the greatest summer of my life.
“They have mayonnaise for $3,” Mom said as she dug into her crab legs.
She asked me if I have a Costco membership because Costco has mayonnaise for $3. I said no. We had to discuss which was better, BJ’s Wholesale or Costco. She has a BJs Wholesale membership. Sure, she lives alone and so do I but why not have a membership where you can buy mayonnaise in bulk? She loves mayonnaise.
“BJ Wholesale is better.” She said.
“Everyone thinks Costco is the best,” I suggested.
“Bad parking,” she replied trying to open a crab leg.
She confronted the waiter early in our Red Lobster experience asking how much the crab legs were. He guessed around $35.
“Oh no, it’s cheaper,” she quickly replied.
He checked with management and indeed, it was $27.
“Oh good, that is what I want,” she smiled.
Mom told me she is worried about the economy, thinks Biden is Satan, and said God will take care of us. That is when the young kid behind us chimed in and said ‘yes he will’ as he held up his big, gold cross necklace out of his black uniform. Mom peppered him with questions and we found out he is a youth pastor at a local church. Odd, I thought, because he looked 12 years old.
Then mom chatted with the group next to us celebrating a birthday.
She chats with everyone. Bold. Fearless.
Not me. I chat with nobody. But I am getting better.
Back to my goals for August. I live life 30 days at a time. So here are my three goals for August:
#1 Learn how to crack an egg with one hand
#2 Get a tattoo of a hummingbird
#3 Learn how to cook a salad
What are your August goals?
Trey
Coming soon: The Yellow Letter