“Are you happy?” She asked staring directly at me.
Damn it. I hate that question. Mainly because I have to answer it.
“Am I happy?” I replied as if I didn’t understand the question. Buying time. Stalling. Hoping I would vanish into thin air.
She was sitting across from me. We were on a blue couch. I shifted uncomfortably. She kept staring at me.
“Well, let’s see…” I looked up to the ceiling to contemplate my happiness.
“I'd say I am happy 30% or 40% of the time if I had to guess. Overall. Maybe closer to 30%,” damn this conversation,“I am trying to be happy. I wish I was a person that happiness comes naturally. Or joy. Or optimism. I would love to be a person full of joy and naturally optimistic.”
I shut up after than hoping there would be no further dialogue about my feelings. If there is one thing that will send me into a full panic attack, it’s sharing feelings. I would rather be eaten by a koala bear than share my feelings. Maybe that’s why my happiness levels are lower than most. Because I never share my feelings. Gross.
“How can you become more happy?” She asked.
How did I land in this conversation. Hell if I know. Pray? Work out? Climb a mountain? Meditate? Go keto? Make my bed?
Actually I started making my bed a few years ago and it actually works. It makes you more happy. Weird but true. Also, is it weird that I just had to spellcheck the word weird and I am 50 years old? Eh.
“I don’t know,” I replied as a thousand jokes spiraled around my brain I could use to deflect the entire conversation and bring peace to my soul.
I have a long way to go folks. This journey of mine is a real humdinger. At the end of the day, my guess is happiness comes from love and connection. This would make sense because love and connection has terrified me most of my life.
Someone recently asked me if hypothetically I could tell everyone in the entire world one thing then disappear for ever, what would I tell them.
“Study love” I replied.
Sometimes, for people like me, it’s not ‘love more’ or ‘love one another’ or even ‘practice love’ because we don’t have a good handle on what it is in the first place.
And so, I have been studying love. I have learned a lot, written a book, and found some answers. Now I have to practice.
Like talking about my feelings.
Are you happy?
Trey